Sex sells, and modern media is constantly selling us the dream that we’re all supposed to be having passionate, amazing sex, all the time. But then there’s reality. By the time you and your partner take care of business and settle in for bed, you’re either too tired or sex has become a chore for the both of you.
Sexual ruts are common in long-term relationships where two people fall into a routine and find themselves wondering where that initial spark of passion has gone. Reigniting passion is about more than just satisfying physical urges (though we all have needs, and being able to communicate them is an important part of a healthy relationship); it’s about rediscovering how to be intimate with the person you love so you can stay connected for the long haul.
Here’s a guide to overcoming sexual ruts in relationships and improving intimacy with sex toys for couples.
Understanding Sexual Ruts in Relationships
A sexual rut is when one or both partners in a relationship feel increasingly dissatisfied with their sex lives. Perhaps you used to go at it in random, exciting places, try new positions, or have sex more frequently. Now, things have cooled down from a full boil to barely tepid. Stress, routine, lack of communication, and shifting desires may all play a role – as we go about our busy lives, sex may get put on the back burner. As the excitement of novelty wears off, it can get harder to think of your partner with the same passion as you did in the beginning. He leaves his dirty socks everywhere and uses the bathroom with the door open. What’s there to be curious about anymore?
The Role of Communication in Breaking Sexual Stagnation
While stagnation in romantic relationships is common, it doesn’t have to be your new norm. Our sex lives are a direct reflection of the way we communicate in relationships, and revitalizing a stagnating sex life is really about relationship wellness and keeping the line of communication open for exploring new experiences. The beginning stages of a relationship is all about discovering the basics – what you like to eat, what your dreams and passions are, what things you have in common.
After you’ve been together a while and (hopefully) know you align on fundamentals, it’s time to delve deeper into your desires. There’s always so much more you can learn about each other. Sexual ruts are the result of thinking that you know everything there is to know about your partner, and that your partner is no longer as curious about you as they were when you first met. But human beings are dynamic creatures with evolving desires; there is always another layer to explore, and the only way to do so is through creating a judgement-free space for expressing needs and boundaries.
Knowledge and communication form the bedrock of a truly satisfying sex life in long-term relationships. By creating a safe space for you and your partner to openly discuss sexual desires and fantasies, you and your partner can encourage mutual exploration and reignite passion in your relationship. Make the time to encourage mutual exploration and set shared intimacy goals – Planning Saturday night date nights around trying a new toy, or perhaps ordering in and enacting a role-play scenario you’ve always wanted to do, for example, are great ways to get started.
How Sex Toys Can Help Reignite Passion
Introducing Variety
Variety is called the spice of life for a reason – new sensations and experiences can enhance intimacy because the both of you are exploring uncharted waters together. Sharing new experiences with sex toys can help you bond and feel closer to your partner as you build trust and create new memories.
Encouraging Playfulness
Sex toys are called toys for a reason – they’re fun to play with! Our sense of playfulness taps into a range of happy endorphins in our bodies as well as creating a sense of excitement and comfort. When you feel playful with your partner, your body naturally releases more “feel good” hormones that enhance bonding and make the experience more exciting.
Breaking Routine
While having a routine is necessary to navigate everyday tasks, doing the same things over and over in the bedroom can quickly turn into boredom. Trying out sex toys (or if you already use sex toys, incorporating new ones) can be a fun way of switching things up.
Bridging the Gap
Sometimes, sexual ruts can be the result of mismatched libidos or performance anxieties. If you or your partner have trouble climaxing purely from penetrative sex, for example, experimenting with sex toys for couples can set you on a mutually beneficial journey of discovery as you figure out how to please each other. Or, if your partner climaxes too quickly for you to be able to reach orgasm yourself, sex toys can prolong the session both before and after.
Types of Sex Toys That Can Revitalize a Relationship
Couples Vibrators
Couples vibrators are an easy way to enhance shared pleasure by stimulating you and your partner at the same time. A couples vibrator that can provide both internal and external pleasure for you, and simultaneously stimulate your partner’s shaft, for example, can be an extraordinary experience for the two of you to share.
Remote-Controlled & Interactive Toys
Powerful bluetooth means the remote-controlled and interactive toys these days allow you and your partner to play even if they’re on a business trip halfway around the world. Plus, knowing your partner can control your pleasure at their whim can be extremely hot for those who are into power play.
Sensory & Massage Tools
Intimacy isn’t all about penetration and climax. Human touch releases endorphins and makes us feel closer to each other, and the luxurious sensations that massage tools can provide enhances intimacy and connection with your partner. In one study, couples massage reduced stress and promoted closeness in 73% of subjects surveyed.
Edging & Teasing Devices
For those of you into BDSM or power play, edging and teasing devices are a great way to explore this dynamic. Putting your pleasure into your partner’s hands (or vice versa) can create anticipation and reignite desire, shifting the dynamic to one of trusting playfulness.
Steps To Introduce Sex Toys into a Relationship
So you’re ready to start introducing sex toys into your relationship. Start the conversation with your partner during a time you both feel relaxed and comfortable, and in a setting where you and your partner have the opportunity to openly discuss your likes and dislikes. Letting each other know what you want to do, and establishing boundaries for what your hard no’s are, can help create a safe environment for play.
The process of choosing sex toys together can be as bonding as the sex itself, as it allows the two of you to talk about boundaries and desires which – if you’re trying out sex toys for the first time to get out of a rut – you’ve probably not had the chance to explore before. Maybe you want to plan a date night with some champagne and online shopping, and talk about the sexy things you want to do to each other…
Addressing Common Concerns & Misconceptions
Unfortunately, much of Western society is steeped in stigma regarding sexuality. These stigmas, which may be exacerbated by internalized childhood shame about our bodies, can make bringing up the subject of sex toys – and your sex life – feel uncomfortable. A lack of sexual education and understanding may cause some people to think that introducing sex toys into a relationship is a form of replacement, or that needing accoutrements during sex means they are not performing well as a partner.
Such misconceptions are often the same reason couples get into sexual ruts, and the only way to get past them is through open communication. Discussing the reasons behind any discomforts, and finding compromises in areas where the two of you may not align, will bring you closer as a couple. Sexual ruts are often a symptom of larger issues – such as health problems or financial stress – and it’s important to listen to your partner about what they think is affecting your sex life so you can navigate the issues together.
Breaking Sexual Ruts In Relationships: A Conclusion
Sex is a marathon, not a race. More than anything, sex should be a journey you and your partner embark on together, where you continually discover and affirm each other’s desires. Sex toys are not only a great way to introduce variety and excitement in the relationship, but also strengthen your communication and trust in the process. Now it’s time to start thinking about what you want to play with…
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