This article was written by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist, researcher and award-winning educator. For more information:
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Following trauma or surgery, it is common for people’s sexual confidence to take a hit. They may also find it difficult to relax during moments of intimacy, making it harder to access pleasure. However, hope is not lost. If you give yourself time and space to heal, it is very much possible to reclaim your body, restore lost confidence, and open yourself up to pleasure again.
Everyone’s journey to recovery will look a little different and, in some cases, working with a skilled therapist may be an essential part of the process. However, there is much you can do on your own to facilitate healing. Among the many self-care techniques worth considering is the role of sex toys. Sex toys are gentle and empowering tools that have the potential to assist you on the road to reclaiming pleasure and feeling comfortable in your own skin once again.
How Trauma and Surgery Affect Sexual Wellness
Both trauma and surgery can impose physical and psychological barriers to pleasure. For example, on the physical side, muscle tension due to stress can make sex less comfortable and enjoyable. Also, in the case of surgical recovery, one might be dealing with constant pain and, for some, there may be issues with numbness and nerve sensitivity. Issues like this only become more pronounced in the case of surgical procedures that took place on or near erogenous zones (e.g., breasts, genitals). Overcoming sexual pain after surgery is one of the biggest factors in learning to enjoy intimacy again.
On the psychological side, both trauma and surgery may leave people in a heightened state of anxiety, and physical intimacy with a partner can sometimes exacerbate that. There may also be a fear of intimacy present, as well as body image concerns. Trauma and surgery can leave both physical and emotional scars that undermine sex and body confidence.
However, it is possible to begin to work past these barriers through self-exploration in a safe environment, such as through self-pleasure. Masturbation offers a safe way to explore your body at your own pace and at your own comfort level, while also putting you in complete control.
The Role of Sex Toys in Post-Trauma & Post-Surgery Sexual Healing
Following trauma or surgery, sex toys have the potential to assist in healing in multiple ways. First and foremost, they offer an opportunity to ease back into intimate touch. Combining soft, body-safe pleasure tools with mindfulness practices during masturbation provides a chance to get out of your head and into the moment, allowing you to focus on the physical sensations and demonstrating that you still have the capacity for pleasure.
Second, toy-assisted masturbation can help in rebuilding your sexual confidence through controlled experiences. Exploring new and different sensations can give you a deeper understanding and appreciation of your own sexuality, while also helping you to feel like you’re in the driver’s seat when it comes to your own pleasure.
For people recovering from surgeries that impact the genital area or genital function, vibrators and other gentle stimulation devices can assist in physical rehabilitation by promoting healthy blood flow to the area, which may help with issues related to things like vaginal dryness and erectile difficulties. Vibratory toys may also be helpful in the case of reduced nerve sensitivity and nervous system healing, given research showing that low-frequency vibration can be helpful in stimulating arousal.
Also, for persons recovering from pelvic surgeries, you may specifically want to explore pelvic floor rehabilitation toys that can help in strengthening these muscles. For example, this might include using Kegel trainer devices. If tightness is an issue, consider using dilators or ergonomic massagers to reduce muscle tension.
Best Types of Sex Toys for Healing
The best type of sex toy to use in your recovery will depend on the nature of your specific trauma or surgery, of course. But here are a few ideas to get you started:
- For slow and gradual exploration, look for toys that are designed for gentle or therapeutic touch, such as low-intensity vibrators or feather-light stimulators. For your first use, start with the lowest stimulation level possible.
- For muscle relaxation and tension release, you might consider something with a little more power, such as a pelvic wand, a massager, or a warm-touch device that can provide both heat and stimulation.
- For easing back into penetration in a pain-free way, consider using vaginal dilators of graduated size or stretch-friendly dildos. Start with the smallest one, and then slowly work your way up to larger sizes (note that this process may take weeks or even months). Coupling this with breathing exercises can be particularly helpful for promoting relaxation.
- For persons recovering from major surgeries to the genital area, such as hysterectomy or gender-affirming procedures, focus on using soft, adaptive, and sensory-friendly intimacy tools. However, consult with your doctor first about when it is appropriate in the healing process for you to resume genital stimulation or sex after surgery recovery.
Emotional Recovery and Trauma-Informed Sexual Healing
In dealing with emotional barriers to pleasure and intimacy, it is important to avoid putting pressure on yourself to feel “ready.” Move at your own pace and don’t try to rush the process because moving too quickly can backfire.
As mentioned above, you can use mindful self-pleasure for healing. Mindfulness practices during solo play can be helpful in recovery as a tool for managing anxiety, fear, and other negative emotions you might be feeling. Indeed, research shows that mindfulness is a key factor in reclaiming sexual satisfaction among trauma survivors. Practicing body acceptance through body appreciation exercises can help, too, especially if you do not feel as confident in your body as you used to.
Gaining support from your partner during the recovery process is also essential. It is important to communicate about your boundaries, comfort level, and needs so that they know how to meet you where you are. Don’t assume that your partner can read your mind or that they will pick up on all of your non-verbal cues. Clear communication around boundaries is vital, especially if they have shifted from where they were before.
Emotional recovery is not always possible to do entirely on your own. If you are severely distressed and/or are experiencing a lot of impairment in your life and relationship(s), seek professional help from a certified sex therapist or counselor.
Use Gentle Sex Toys For Recovery, and Take Things Slow
When choosing the sex toys that are right for you, regardless of whether you’re recovering from trauma or surgery or using them for another purpose, it’s always best to choose toys made from body-safe materials, such as silicone or hypoallergenic options.
Once you’ve selected a toy, a good place to start is by using it on non-intimate areas of the body. For example, if you have a vibrating toy, you might start by moving it slowly and gently along the underside of your arm or along your abdomen. Going at a relaxed pace can help in rebuilding your sensory connections, while also potentially uncovering new pleasure sources.
Couple your self-pleasure practices with some breathing exercises or relaxation techniques for maximum benefit. In fact, before you even get into touching yourself, you may want to take five or ten minutes (or longer) to first focus on feeling relaxed and getting in the right headspace.
And, of course, if you’re going to be inserting any toys, don’t forget to use plenty of lube for comfortable exploration. You may also want to take some steps to warm your body up for penetration. For example, you might take a warm bath beforehand to relax your muscles and/or use dilators for gentle stretching.
How To Restore Intimacy After Trauma or Surgery
The self-pleasure practices discussed above can be a useful way to begin your journey back to partnered intimacy, but it’s important to bring your partner into the process at some point. Focus first on building open communication and trust because these things are vital to feeling safe enough to explore intimacy again.
Also, before jumping back into sex, focus on engaging in more non-sexual touch, such as cuddling or massage, as a way of rebuilding your connection and reducing stress and tension. Touch plays an important role in our feelings of bondedness and safety due to the release of hormones like oxytocin.
When you’re ready to reintegrate sex into the relationship, recognize that post-surgical intimacy may need to be approached differently than it was in the past. For example, you may want to start exploring new forms of connection beyond penetration, such as by using toys together, engaging in mutual masturbation, or having more oral sex. Also, bringing remote-controlled or interactive toys into the experience can be a great way of sharing something new with your partner that creates a more immersive experience. Novelty is powerful. It encourages us to communicate more, while also drawing us into the moment and away from potential distracting thoughts.
Conclusion
Healing from trauma or surgery is a personal journey that may look very different from one person to the next. However, to achieve progress, it is important to go at your own pace and avoid feeling pressured.
As part of your recovery, consider how the use of sex toys during solo play can be a vital form of self-care and personal empowerment. Toys can help you to increase body awareness and reconnect with feelings of pleasure. Browse trauma-informed and recovery-friendly sex toys to begin your healing journey today.
