This article was medically reviewed by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a social psychologist, researcher and award-winning educator. For more information:
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Sensitive souls might like to look away now – particularly if they have a penis. Thing is, there’s a reason some guys call it their ‘crown jewels’: their penis is precious, and what with being external and all, vulnerable to a frankly bewildering array of mishaps and attacks. Guard it closely and keep it safe; we wouldn’t wish any of these appendage afflictions on anyone.
Read on for eight eye-watering penis pains. If any sound remotely familiar, get yourself to a doctor quick-smart!
1. Sax, Not Sex: Twisted Penis Disorder
Don’t be fooled by the lyrical name: “saxophone penis” does not go hand in hand with making sweet music. Caused by blocked lymph nodes or bacterial infection (we’re looking at you, chlamydia) this penile peril causes the penis to swell and twist to resemble the curves of a saxophone. Not surprisingly, this is often quite painful.
The good news is that this is rare and, further, it can be treated – either through medication or surgery. However, while interventions may fix issues related to urination, sex can be a different matter entirely, depending on the severity of the case…
2. Reversing Roles
For an extremely unlucky few, fistulas – or tears – can occur as a result of prostate or bladder surgery, or treatment for prostate cancer. In even rarer circumstances still, that can muddle the circuitry of the digestive tract.
In the case of a recto-urethral fistula, the urethra and rectum connect up, meaning our unfortunate gent may notice he is passing urine from his anus and/or defecating through his penis. Fortunately, it’s fixable via surgery, but it’s more than a little traumatic…
3. The Wrong Kind of Fishing Rod
Meet the candiru: an innocuous enough looking catfish, native to the Amazon Basin. But despite its (usually) small size, and although generally not as deadly as the likes of piranhas and crocodiles, this parasitic critter is most definitely best avoided.
Why? Because it is allegedly known to swim up urethras. Once inside, it unfurls its secret weapon: ridges of spines that it uses to feast on its hapless host’s blood. In a word: ouch!
Fortunately, only a handful of accounts of candiru attacks on humans have ever been reported, the details of which are questionable. Let’s keep our fingers crossed that this “penis fish” is just an urban legend!
4. Peyronie’s Disease
Thought to affect an estimated 0.7 percent of men according to a 2016 US study, this distressing condition is an outcome of a buildup of scar tissue known as “plaques” in the tissue that surrounds the erectile chambers of the penis. This commonly results in significant curvature of the penis, but it can also lead to penile indentations.
Risk factors aren’t well understood just yet, though severe trauma (such as bending or “breaking” of the penis) is often thought to cause it. It may also have a genetic component. Symptoms include painful erections, urination problems, and sexual dysfunction. Bottom line: if you notice the curvature of your manhood changing over time or you experience painful erections, speak up because this is a treatable condition.
5. Broken Penis
A boner may have no bones – but that’s not to say it can’t “break.” If too much pressure is applied to the penis, it can result in rupture of the tunica albuginea, the lining that surrounds the erectile chambers inside the penis. If this happens to you, you’ll know it! A rare occurrence, when it does happens it’s usually a result of going at it too, ahem, vigorously and/or missing your target, either with a partner, or during masturbation.
There may be a cracking sound, and he’ll likely immediately lose his erection. If that happens, get to an ER right away, as it’s eminently treatable, usually with surgery. Prompt treatment is essential to avoid long-term complications.
6. Priapism
Another penis problem that can wreak havoc both physically and psychologically is priapism, which is essentially an erection that doesn’t go away on its own, even after ejaculation. Clinically speaking, priapism is an erection lasting longer than 4 hours. Sometimes linked to sickle cell disorders (and also, interestingly enough, rabies and scorpion stings), it’s not good. It can also be a side effect of certain erectile dysfunction treatments.
While a long-lasting erection might seem like a boon on paper, (heck, this one’s even named after Greek fertility god Priapus. Mixed messages much?) blood that lingers in the penis for too long becomes deprived of oxygen, resulting in damage to penile tissue. This type of erection is also generally painful, not pleasurable. It is treatable with medications and/or surgery, don’t delay seeking immediate medical care.
7. Hematospermia
Now, this one might freak you out a little: hematospermia involves having blood in your semen. Oftentimes nothing to worry about (sometimes, it has benign causes), it can also be a symptom of more serious urological disorders, including cancer of the testicles and bladder.
If it’s a one-off – and especially if you’re under the age of 40 – there’s a good chance it’s nothing serious (of course, only your medical provider can tell you for sure). However, if you’re over the age of 40, this happens repeatedly, and/or is accompanied by other symptoms, get thee to a doctor!
8. Definitely NOT Puppy Love
Last but by no means least: a tale of one man’s so-called best friend proving itself significantly less than loyal in the Dominican Republic in 2013. After a particularly heavy drinking session that involved wandering the streets naked and passing out, the gentleman in question woke up… without a penis!
His presumably long-suffering neighbors informed him that a dog bit it off. The moral? Don’t drink so much? Be a cat person? Wear protective underwear? Not sure.
Final Thoughts
The penis is a remarkable piece of anatomy, a source of immense pleasure (and important bodily functions), and definitely something to be cherished. Hopefully this roundup won’t cause severe penile paranoia, but if any of the conditions outlined ring alarm bells, don’t delay seeking advice!
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