We might be familiar with whips, chains, and handcuffs, but bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism — also known as BDSM — is an erotic practice that goes well beyond what we might have read in Fifty Shades of Grey.
First and foremost, safe BDSM involves a much more dynamic conversation around consent since power dynamics, restraint, and intense sensations make up the core foundations of BDSM scenes. Therefore, BDSM consent is essential.
For folks interested in BDSM, it’s imperative to know that it’s not only about pain or dominance. There should be mutual enjoyment, trust, and communication before, during, and after a scene, which is a planned BDSM encounter.
You may be wondering where to begin navigating consent in BDSM play or how to ensure your experiences are safe, ethical, and pleasurable. In this guide, we’ve got you covered. We’ll go over how to initiate conversations, set clear boundaries, the involvement of safe words, and maintain check-ins throughout play.
The Foundations of Consent in BDSM
Consent, by definition, is giving someone permission to do something. In sex or sexual activities, like with safe BDSM, consent is a clear, enthusiastic, and informed agreement by all partners involved. Consent can also change at any time. If a person suddenly feels uncomfortable and would like to stop the act, consent can be retracted.
In traditional sex, consent is usually verbalized with a “yes,” or “no.” In ethical kink, consent is a little more detailed and involves more conversation about all the details involved.
Since BDSM can involve power exchanges, restraints, or impact play, consensual agreements require a dialogue that discusses limits and boundaries. For example, what type of restraints, how many, how hard, how often, etc., are being used during a scene? All parties involved must enthusiastically agree, and negotiation is a part of the consensual agreement with BDSM play.
There are several consent models used in BDSM, which include:
- SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual) which focuses on safety, rational decision-making, and mutual agreement.
- RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink) acknowledges the risk involved with BDSM and allows parties to understand and accept those possible risks.
How To Introduce BDSM & Establish Consent with a Partner
There are several steps that should occur before proceeding with a BDSM lifestyle.
Establishing a Conversation
The first step in BDSM consent is having a conversation in a judgment-free, private, relaxed space where all parties, both dominants and submissives, can ask open-ended questions. When introducing BDSM to a partner, start with a dialogue where both of you are comfortable asking questions.
Questions to ask during this initial conversation can be:
- What are your thoughts on exploring BDSM?
- I’d like to try something new in the bedroom. Would you be interested in exploring BDSM?
- We can go at your own pace, but let’s discuss hard lines and hard “no’s” when it comes to what is acceptable or not during BDSM.
Some people create BDSM checklists where they simply check what they’re into or what they aren’t and exchange it with each of their partners. Checklists can offer some insight into interests, experiences, and areas that you might not have considered as a beginner.
Remember, overall, BDSM is a mutual agreement and mutual pleasure. It is not a desire for one-sided control or unpleasant pain.
When discussing boundaries in BDSM and limitations before play, make a list of hard limits and soft limits.
- Hard limits are activities that are strictly off-limits, such as humiliation, extreme play, or breath play.
- Soft limits are activities that may be enjoyable during certain conditions. For example, spanking and restraints.
Both partners should participate in this moment of the conversation as everyone has their own limitations in every scenario. This is also a part of the conversation where both parties are calm and inviting. Refrain from shaming and imposing pressure on your partner to change their limitations. These limitations may change as BDSM play becomes more consistent in your lives—be prepared to have these conversations often.
Establishing a Safe Words To Maintain Ongoing Consent
Before any play even begins, and after limitations have been addressed, all parties should discuss and settle on a safe word. In BDSM, oftentimes, a person may change their mind during a certain act, feel uncomfortable, or dislike the sensation. Sometimes, they just need a glass of water. But things can get blurry during a BDSM scene. Therefore a safe word is crucial for maintaining consent throughout the entire scene and not just at the very beginning or beforehand.
A safe word is when a partner is allowed to pause or stop a BDSM scene. In BDSM, “no” and “yes,” are not common since they could be confusing if a scene involves roleplaying. Instead, practitioners use a word that’s oftentimes totally random. For example, “pineapple” or “blue” can be custom-safe words.
The most common safe word system is called the traffic light system. When saying each of these colors, you’re signifying to your partner how you want to proceed.
- Green means, “I’m comfortable; keep going.”
- Yellow means “Slow down, or let’s check-in.”
- Red means “Stop right now.”
All practitioners should prioritize a safe word for the trustworthiness and safety of all involved parties.
How To Introduce BDSM toys
BDSM should always be a gradual approach. The first scene or the first time someone tries to play should be simple for beginners. But as time passes, and as beginners become regulars, partners can incorporate certain toys as long as, again, the approach is gradual.
When starting out, begin with light bondage like silk ties or blindfolds. For sensation play, incorporate feathers or ice. If you’re into mild impact play, spanking or flogging can be incorporated.
During a scene, make sure to check in by asking:
- How does this feel?
- Is this too tight?
- Do you want more?
- Ask for more when you’re ready.
Consent can be revoked at any time, so if your partner decides they don’t like being blindfolded, for example, allow your partner to change their mind and remove the blindfold.
How To Maintain Consent During & After BDSM Play
Another method of maintaining consent during play is non-verbal consent cues for when safe words can’t be spoken.
In certain scenes, like with a ball gag, a submissive may not be able to articulate or speak their safe word. This is when alternative consent signals are important to introduce and establish.
Alternative consent signals include:
- Tapping out (tapping a part of a partner’s body or tapping a surface) can signal discomfort and let the dominant know that the submissive needs a break or needs to stop.
- Holding and dropping an object (e.g., a ball or scarf) can help indicate to the dominant that it’s time to stop.
A way to check in for consent post-scene involves something called aftercare.
Aftercare is when emotional, psychological, and physical support is offered to both participants after a BDSM scene. Engaging in aftercare post-BDSM scene can lead to broader conversations as well as intimate closeness.
BDSM can be physically and emotionally draining and intense. Participating in aftercare, which includes cuddling, soothing words, hydration, skincare, reassurance, massages, and conversation, can make both partners feel supported and connected post-scene.
BDSM Consent Red Flags: When To Walk Away
Not every scene or partner is well-versed with BDSM. In the United States and Canada, there are, on average, 5 million people participating in BDSM. With so many people joining the world of dungeons, whips, chains, and handcuffs, there are bound to be people who aren’t educated on what goes into a scene and who create negative environments for their partner.
Always walk away from a partner who makes you feel uneasy or unsafe.
A few red flags are:
- A partner who shows a lack of respect for mutual comfort and safety.
- A partner who refuses to discuss limits or boundaries beforehand.
- Someone who ignores safe words.
- Trying to convince someone to go beyond their limits.
- Avoiding, neglecting, and refusing to participate in aftercare or emotional check-ins.
If someone you’re with displays these types of behaviors, this should indicate a massive red flag. Walk away from the person and the scene. BDSM should never feel coercive, pressured, or disrespectful.
Common Myths About BDSM & Consent
Based on movies, books, and social media, BDSM can oftentimes be misinterpreted. There’s much more conversation, care, and safety that goes into a scene that most people may realize. BDSM isn’t typically spontaneous—it takes planning, agreements, negotiations, and time.
Common myths of BDSm include:
- Partners can’t change their minds: In fact, partners can withdraw consent at any time.
- Safe words aren’t necessary: No matter how long you’ve been together, safe words are always crucial to a scene.
- BDSM should always be painful: BDSM is made up of power dynamics, roleplay, and sensory stimulation. It doesn’t have to be painful.
Expanding BDSM Play While Maintaining Consent
The more you participate in BDSM, the more comforting you’ll grow with the acts as well as your partner. You’ll begin to want to broaden your scope and explore other avenues of play.
Take your time, everyone goes at their own pace, but once you’re ready, you might want to consider the following:
- More intense impact play (whips, paddles, canes).
- Chastity and orgasm control
- Roleplaying
But even as you expand your horizons, remember that communication, aftercare, and revisiting limits should always be a part of your scene.
Conclusion
No matter where you are in your BDSM journey — tied up with a silk scarf or leather straps — enthusiastic, ongoing, and informed consent is crucial.
Share with your partner what you like, what you don’t like, what you’re curious about, or what is a hard “no.” These open conversations can lead to exploring new areas of kink and finding out what scratches your itch. By talking through these topics, you’ll be able to establish clear boundaries and prioritize safety at all times.
Make sure you have a consent negotiation guide handy to cover all bases. These will typically include questions like:
- What are our safe words for “stop” and “slow down”?
- What is the setting of our scene?
- What is triggering, and what should be avoided?
- Is sexual activity welcomed in the scene? Define what “sexual” means.
- What about nudity? Should we be nude?
- What kind of aftercare is preferred?
- Are toys involved? And what kind?
If you’re just starting out, beginner-friendly BDSM toys like feathers, a wooden spoon, and ice cubes can be the perfect and affordable additions to the bedroom.
Overall, BDSM is rapidly growing in popularity. And now you have the foundational tools to dive into ensuring consent when introducing BDSM to your relationship. Having the guidelines of consent, the understanding of check-ins, and the knowledge of power dynamics can ensure that you’ll have a safe, open, and exciting scene with your partner.
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