Have you ever felt just a little bit different when it comes to how you feel desire for other people?
While gender, sexuality and desire will never feel exactly the same for any two people, some of the common cultural narratives we have exist because, well, they’re common. But, while those ‘common’ experiences of love and sex may be widespread, they don’t speak for everyone.
What Is Demisexuality?
In demisexuality, the connection between people is the source of attraction. Demisexuals define themselves as becoming sexually attracted to someone the deeper and longer they know them. Demisexuality requires closeness and emotional intimacy, and a prominent element of friendship is central to the attraction.
In this way, sexual attractions are built very gradually, rather than immediately. In fact, it’s perfectly normal for a demisexual person to indicate no lust or sexual desire at all on first meeting, but for that magnetism to develop slowly, over time.
The feeling of “love at first sight” doesn’t exist for this population. They don’t experience that instant punch of dopamine and adrenaline and butterflies and lust, not in the way we think about it. For demisexuals, it’s a slow burn, but no less intense.
Many people prefer to only engage in sex (however you choose to define it) with committed, romantic partners. However, choosing to have sex later in a relationship isn’t the same as a lack of attraction due to no emotional connection.
Think about it this way – you can decide to save sex for marriage, but still get turned on every time you see your favorite actor getting steamy on screen. Demisexuals, however, do not.
Demisexuality is commonly grouped into asexuality on the scale of experienced desire for other people, but they are not synonymous.
Dating as a Demisexual
While we think the openness with which people treat sex in their dating lives has led to increased ability to get what you want out of your sex and/or romantic life, it might not always feel like it for demisexuals.
The idea that sex is readily available, means that many people would take someone’s initial lack of sexual interest to as being “friend zoned.” Problematic for those who need the time to develop an emotional connection first.
As with much of our love and sex advice, it really boils down to communication and being informed.
Dating Someone Who Is Demisexual
You shouldn’t assume that a demisexual person you’ve just met is bound to fall in love and lust with you given enough time, but if you’re interested in them, it’s worth being patient. And, unlike low libido, there’s no reason to assume that your relationship with a demisexual person will have low sex-per-week rate, once that connection is formed.
Potential Problems Specific To Demisexuals
Demisexuals sometimes encounter a problem that few of us ever have to deal with: the fact that sexual attraction is based on friendship means that, eventually, that friendship is sexualized, and it may only be from one of the participants, since the other may not identify as demisexual. In other words, demisexuality can be dangerous for long-lasting friendships.
Demisexuality seems to transcend gender and sexual identity, instead of focusing on the connection between people over and above all external considerations. But it’s complex, particularly because the recipient of a demisexual’s affection and sexual attraction may not be aware of it, and continue to believe that the relationship is a friendly one. You can imagine how frustrating this must eventually be for a demisexual.
As we progress culturally and socially, and begin to understand that our sexualities are as unique as our fingerprints, sexualities like demisexuality need to be understood and considered.
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