Polyamory and ethical non-monogamy are often used interchangeably, but they are not the same thing.
Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) is an umbrella term for any type of relationship structure that leaves room for being romantically or sexually intimate with more than one person at a time.
That can mean a lot of different things:
- Solo poly
- Polyfidelity
- Cuckolding
- Swinging
- Open relationship
- (And of course) polyamory
Essentially polyamory is a type of ENM, but not all ENM dynamics are poly.
What Makes a Relationship ENM?
Well, it’s in the name. An ENM dynamic is one where all people involved have non-monogamous relationships that are ethical and respectful.
People who are ENM:
- May have a primary partner and be only sexual with other people
- May have numerous partners that are all considered equal but they consider themselves their “primary partner” (solo-poly)
- May be involved with people of different genders
- May engage in nonsexual relationships – many people on the asexual (ace) spectrum still want romantic connections, or may only want sexual connections with certain people.
These are just a few of the many ways people can practice ethical non-monogamy.
How Does Polyamory Work?
The definition of polyamory is in the word – poly means “many” while amor means “love”, aka “many-loves”.
People who practice polyamory likely experience some level of love and/or commitment from multiple people, whereas other types of ENM may be more casual for one or all partners involved.
People who practice polyamory:
- May have more than one committed relationship, although it’s common for one of them to be considered their “primary partner”
- May involve both people in a couple inviting a third person into the dynamic that they’re both interested in romantically
One of the key differences is that polyamory is almost always about more than sex (as are many other forms of ENM). People who practice polyamory want an emotional and romantic connection with more than one person. They will often fall in love with multiple partners as well.
Some people may consider themselves “poly” and are actively only romantically involved with one person, but are open to the idea of other romantic connections or important relationships.
Tomato, Tah-mah-toe
Despite having these clear definitions, know that they can always vary from person to person and relationship to relationship.
It’s valuable to have clear definitions because it helps people know how to communicate expectations with their partner and anyone they are dating. It also helps you create community and find resources to help support you and your partner(s) as you navigate these fun, but sometimes sticky waters.
At the end of the day, language is a tool that helps people connect and have a better understanding of each other. Language is a powerful tool when it comes to relationships, but like people, it’s always evolving.
Make It Work for You
You and your partners need to find a system that works for all of you, and trust that it will probably evolve and change over time – that’s true for any relationship. ENM and poly relationships need to have a baseline of transparency, openness, and trust to function responsibly.
One of the most important things when it comes to polyamory and ENM is clear communication. Communicating your expectations, your needs, your triggers, and all the nitty-gritty details that might not come up in a monogamous relationship.
Here are some other key tips to keep in mind when navigating polyamory:
- Communicate clear boundaries: And be open to them changing
- Seek support: That includes other poly community, individual, and couples therapy
- Consent: Everyone involved needs and deserves to have a clear understanding of what’s happening – that being said, you and your partner can decide how much information you want to disclose
- Communicate your needs: Your partner isn’t a mind reader, if your needs aren’t being met, it’s important to communicate that
- Keep a baseline of respect: Everyone deserves respect but it’s that much more important to keep in polyamorous relationships
- Take responsibility for your actions: Unexpected feelings will come up and you may hurt your partners’ feelings from time to time. Be sure to take responsibility for your actions, apologize, and respectfully communicate to move through it.
This is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. Again, the most important thing is to find a system that works for you, your partner(s), and anyone else you’re dating. It can take time to work out the kinks, but if it’s right for you, you’ll make it work.
See also:
- How Does Long-Distance Polyamory Work?
- Compersion: The #1 Way To Succeed in Polyamory
- How To Talk to Your Partner About Non-Monogamy
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