Making bad sexual decisions is, I guess, an almost unavoidable part of growing up. But, just like unhealthy dietary choices, it is also a practice that should be abandoned alongside the days of your youthful carelessness.
It’s not always clear what constitutes a healthy sex life and when your libido is influencing bad decisions. So, let’s go through some clues.
Signs You’re Making Bad Sexual Decisions
Abusive Relationships
Are you in an abusive relationship? Whatever you might think, there is no healthy sex life in an abusive relationship. However, that does not mean great sex does not happen even in such relationships, but with time, abuse erodes our self-respect and the ability to express our sexuality suffers the consequences.
And that goes for both parts of the abuse equation. If you suspect something might be off between your partner and yourself, see if you recognize any of these 21 signs of an abusive relationship.
Infidelity
Are you cheating? There is hardly ever a good reason for infidelity (if you can’t be faithful, better drop monogamy altogether). Sometimes it might occur under understandable circumstances – like a dissolution of an unstable relationship. Other times it’s the pressure of being tempted while physically apart from your partner that makes you cheat. Or you might just give in and taste the forbidden fruit due to a powerful temporary crush.
Do not fool yourself – cheating is never a good thing. Even if it seems like a solution to a problem you might have (a hard to break relationship, for instance), it is always one of the worst ones. It causes emotional pain, or at least a secret that is lead-heavy to carry through life.
Substance Abuse
Is your sex life connected to substance abuse? A seemingly simple question is not always easy to answer, because the fabric of our sex life often comes in a series of decisions made without our full awareness. But asking yourself a few questions can help diagnose a problem.
For instance; if you look back at your sex life, has it been a long string of one-night stands with people you met in a club or a bar for as long as you can remember? Can you remember the last time you had sex fully sober and generally clean of any intoxicant? If you can’t, it might suggest that you have a problem.
While answering these questions honestly can be hard, it’s vital in order to realize that there are better, healthier situations that you have the power to succeed in. Healthy sex is marked by solid communication and lots of sober, loving sex.
There are also those with a seemingly normal life who discover upon introspection they can’t even remember the last time they had sex with their partner without toking or having a glass of wine.
Healthy sex is about conscious choices and direct joyful experiences unmoderated by substances. Everything else should be reserved for special occasions.
Sex Addiction
Are you addicted to sex? Here’s another confusing question. It is important to understand that having lots of sex with different people does not necessarily imply addiction. Nor can you safely assume you are not a sex addict if your sexual encounters are rare.
Sexual addiction has nothing to do with the availability of partners, it’s about the amount of time, energy and mental capacity you invest into trying to satisfy your sex drive. Is it putting pressure on you? Is it straining your social life and relations with others?
Sex addiction is a part of a wider complex of intimacy disorders referred to as sex and love addiction. There are profoundly different people that could fit the intimacy disorder profile: a bar owner who keeps ruining his relationships by boastfully sleeping around with his clients, or a woman that keeps chasing the ever-fleeting feeling of stomach butterflies with romantic naivete. Both have their lives profoundly shaped by their urges, harming their ability to form a meaningful relationship or even be a trustworthy friend.
Which brings us to the last point…
Hurting Others by Your Choices
Are you constantly hurting others (and yourself for that matter) with your sexual choices?
Sex is a dynamic in which there’s a high probability of somebody getting an occasional emotional injury, but it should also be empowering to both you and your lovers. If your sex life is a source of pain, you need to change. Find someone you can discuss your sex life with, preferably in the context of professional therapy.