Welcome to LELO’s Oral Sex Kitchen, a new show in which we try to make erotic recipes but usually end up having sex on the floor halfway through, everything gets burned, and we order pizza instead. It’s a bacchanalian miasma of genital delights. What do you want? Because it’s EVERYWHERE…
Oral sex doesn’t really need much improvement. It’s already pretty good. Most people would tell you it was their favorite thing, if they were honest. But most people are cowards, so they’ll tell you their favorite thing is probably kittens or something. Liars.
No, this list is for connoisseurs of cunnilingus and fellatio flambeurs. You’ll find no ‘ooh have you tried a flavoured lube?’ here. No, we’re talking the good stuff, the hard stuff, for the sweet tooth and the dirty tongue, the stuff that’ll have you swearing like a British TV chef. Let’s get stuck in.
Warning: as you might expect, introducing dairy products, sugary liquids and alcohol into the bedroom comes with some inherent hygiene risks, so keep it clean while you’re getting filthy.
5. Japanese White Peach Sauce
Specialist Japanese white peaches can sell for $50 each. That’s essentially $10 per bite, because they are WORTH IT. Soft, juicy, fleshy, and with a light but distinct flavour, Japanese white peaches taste like if love had sex with summer in your mouth. Japanese white peach sauce is quite common and goes with everything, thanks to a sweet and savoury recipe. We’d also recommend the white peach frozen puree. In fact, we could fill every spot on this list with white peach something or other, but we have to make room for others or it would be boring. Whatever form it comes in, it’s the kind of flavor that will keep you going down for more.
4. Lychee Ice Cream
Ice cream is an old standard of sensual oral sex, combining the changing texture and freezing temperature required to intensify oral-genital pleasure. But our go-to favorites (chocolate, mint, vanilla, etc) should learn a thing or two from the lychee. I mean, c’mon, just look at that photo. C’mon. Lychees. Absolute filth.
3. Sweetened Condensed Milk
Sweetened condensed milk is probably found in everything you love already. Confectionary, coffee-shop coffee, baked goods, cakes, that barista who always remembers your name, whatever it is, if it makes you moan, it’s got condensed milk in it. But have you ever tried it on its own? It’s thick, sticky, messy and sweet, everything you could dream of for long and messy oral sex.
2. Mango Slushy
Fruity like Japanese white peach, frozen like ice cream and thick like sweetened condensed milk, a mango slushy is the culmination of everything that came before. And it usually comes in generous portions, to help make sure you also… *ahem*… come in generous portions.
1. Sauternes
You thought it was going to be champagne, didn’t you? Nope. We’re total wine snobs at LELO, so we know from long experience that a sauternes wine is by far the superior choice, dahling. It’s thick and sticky, and the shimmering gold complexion adds a real sense of glamour that champagne can’t match. The taste is sweet and rich, less tart and easier to drink than champagne. And because there are no bubbles, you won’t find your nose suddenly full of foam should something unexpectedly… strike the back of your throat.
There you have it. The poseurs guide to unique oral sex flavors. What about you? What’s your flavour? Share in the comments!