It’s not uncommon to run into trouble when trying to orgasm― whether for the first time, or in the middle of a slump. There can be many things that contribute to not reaching climax, but when you’re experiencing anxiety about not being able to, it definitely doesn’t help. Since being told to ‘just relax’ rarely helps, below we offer some actual advice on orgasming while masturbating.
Get in Position
It may surprise some, but just as there are hundreds of sex positions for coupled sex, there is more than one position for solo sex as well. Some women began self-pleasuring at a young age, and may be used to grinding against things, while some who became familiar with the concept of masturbation before the practice may have had one particular concept of how it’s done (lying back on the bed, or in the shower, for example). Whether that has worked for you or not, it can be good to switch up from your usual stimulation to explore new sensations.
If you’ve always masturbated while lying in the tub, for instance, you might find orgasms come more easily when you’re standing. You can be lying back on the bed, you can be kneeling while holding onto your headboard, or even knelt forward as if you were receiving during doggy style; there are only two things that matter when you’re picking a position to masturbate in: that you can comfortably maintain it for a sustained amount of time and can stimulate yourself the way you want to be.
Set the Mood
Sexual desire is something that a whole lot of us stress about. Do we have too much? Not enough? Levels of sexual desire can depend on a slew of things, and we often talk about certain foods or vitamins that can boost our libido, but we don’t often talk about WHY our libidos can vary so much, and what we can do to put ourselves in the mood.
Dr. Emily Nagoski, (holder of a Ph.D. in Health Behavior with a doctoral concentration in human sexuality, author of the book Come as You Are, amongst other books) has posited that our sex drive is not the purely linear ‘high sex drive or low sex drive’ model that we once thought. Rather, we have varying levels of spontaneous and responsive desire. Spontaneous desire is the desire or need to have sex that we feel seemingly ‘out of the blue,’ and it feels like a hunger that needs to be satiated. Responsive desire, which many people may mistake for low desire, means that you’re more likely experience erotic desire in a sexy context, so often after sexual activity has started to occur.
If you feel as though you’re never feeling horny enough to actually stop and focus on self-pleasure, try treating it as more of a prioritized activity in its own right. Maybe you just need to indulge in some external erotic stimulation to get your own desires going. That could mean lighting a candle and taking a bath, that could mean engaging in a naughty sexting conversation, or it could mean reading some erotic fiction. Engaging in this sort of content allows you to experiment with kinks and fantasies own your own so you can discover what it really is that makes you turns you on.
Try a New Sensation
Even orgasm-veterans can fall into the habit of only indulging in one kind of stimulation. Maybe clitoral stimulation on its own has worked for you (or maybe it hasn’t) but why not switch it up? When you’re taking time to yourself, truly left to your own devices (whether it’s your own two hands or a G-spot vibrator) why not explore the fantastic feelings of touching other parts of your body? Even if you can’t climax from G-spot stimulation, that doesn’t mean you might not like penetration. Maybe what’s missing is the feeling of having your nipple stimulated, or fingers on your inner thigh. Blended orgasms are a type of orgasm that involve stimulating different erogenous zones at one time, and twice the sensation equals twice the pleasure!
Use (Good) Lube
Just as our sexual education doesn’t often cover the finer points of masturbation (other than its healthy) it usually doesn’t cover the use of lube. In fact, many people assume that sexual lubricant is only needed for having anal sex, or that because vaginas are self-lubricating, there is something wrong with you for needing it during masturbation or sex. This is absolutely untrue, as many things, from hormonal contraception, age, or just our unique physiology can make our natural lubrication levels dissimilar. A good, water-based personal moisturizer will be not too runny and not too thick, and make stimulating yourself quite literally go more smoothly.
Forget how You Think You SHOULD be Masturbating
Our relationships with masturbation and orgasms can be very different. Some people are able to climax easily, while some may struggle with mental blocks.
Masturbation is all about stimulating yourself so that you feel good. Maybe that means standing up in the shower (waterproof massagers anyone?) or maybe that means grinding against something after reading part of a particularly steamy novel. Whichever works for you is the right way.